February 1991

I welcome February and its joys and sorrows. I wonder, I just wonder, what's ahead for me. Last night I prayed. I always… well, I almost always pray, but last night I really felt it. I felt a closeness to God. My God. I begged him to help me keep my faith. To hold me close. It was such a simple prayer. Just a request for the safety of those around me. Everyone.

Our apartment manager Joe died of a heart attack this morning. I couldn't believe it. I'll never see him shoveling the snow, or mowing the grass, or taking the garbage again. Of course we won't have to deal with his drunken self anymore, though that sounds awful to say. My father stumbles through the apartment drunk. Will he die, too? If he does there will be no guilt in me. I've told him I love him many times and tonight he tells me I'm the worst son in the world. I am grateful of him with all his faults. I wish he'd open his eyes and be thankful of me. Poor Joe. I'll miss his little red face and thick short fingers. I almost came out to dad in an argument tonight, but didn't. I hated his face. He hates mine too. He's told me. When my brother annoys me I threaten him, 'If you don't get away from me I'll tell you something shocking!' He laughs.

Sometimes I want to take my Humanities teacher Mr. Hacker into my arms- I love him so much.

Melisa and I turned off all the lights and listened to music. She told me she loved me. I wondered how so much love could exist between two people. Then I picked up Desiree and we went to Hunters, a gay bar out in the suburbs. We actually got in. I looked around as we sat there drinking beer. It was the strangest thing to be there with someone from school. What would we say to each other the next day in class? Over all it was a clean place, but I don't think I like the bar scene. Especially gay bars. Desiree and I danced. I liked when someone cute watched me. Desiree and I would look at each other and smile. Then someone tapped me on the arm. He had a mustache and could've passed for Middle Eastern. He stretched out his hand and asked me what my name was. I shook his hand, 'Emil.' I didn't quite hear his name, I didn't care. Then he said, "My friend likes you, he thinks you're cute." His friend was embarrassed and turned away. I said the only thing I was capable of saying, 'Thank you.' I felt stupid. What do you say in these situations? Especially when the other guy's not cute? Got home at one-twenty, sober!

Last night I had a dream that I was at a bar with a bunch of friends. I was trying to avoid my aunt Jackie. Then Ms. Murray came up to me and said, "Emil, tell me the truth. Be honest with me. Are you gay?" And I answered, 'Yes. Yes, I am.'

Malcolm, a waiter at Voltaire pissed me off a few days ago because when I was talking to him he kept staring at my crotch. Jerk! Today he said to me, "You do know that I want to have sex with you." What kind of a question is that? No one's ever said that to me before. I said, 'Yes.' The rest was small talk. Then I just said goodbye. What was I to do? Make an appointment?

Maggie bought a card and we signed it for the troops on land in the Middle East. Came home and got ready to go to Hunters with Desiree and her girlfriend, Chris. Chris is so fucking nice. I love her and told her. She bought us beer and I got drunk. Desiree would tell me every time someone checked me out. I was playing. I'd make eye contact with someone, smile at them, then turn away. There was a guy there that I liked. And as the night went on I liked him even more. The way he danced was so calm, mellow, and sexy. Desiree dared me to go dance with him. I did. He was so hot. I was being cool. Kind of dancing with him and kind of not. You know… Then it was over. Nothing else happened. Then Desiree and I danced. I was so drunk. Chris and I talked while Desiree danced with someone else. She told me to always be there for Desiree because Desiree likes me a lot. I told Chris that Desiree always has nice things to say about her. Poor Chris. Desiree just doesn't love her. How many times has Desiree told me how much she wishes to fall in love with Chris?

He was sad about Santi, his friend. They'd been so distant. Maybe they'd both given up on each other. Each other? He felt stupid for thinking that Santi would be interested in him. Came home and a flash of embarrassment ran through him when he saw his brother. Couldn't believe he'd actually come out to his brother. He'd found the strength and the confidence. Or had he? Why did he feel weak? Embarrassed? He hated shame. Had felt it all his life. No more! He felt defeated in a way. His heart beat every time the phone rang.

Desiree and Maggie sat on either side of him in church. Ash Wednesday. A year or two ago he'd gone up but not this year. He wasn't Catholic or curious. Or maybe it was that Santi was doing the ashing. Maggie was in a prayer but he and Desiree were laughing. Later Maggie had cried in church but he hadn't been comforting. Cold, maybe even. He hated it when she vied for his attention. How could he turn away from her when he himself had been through so much? Later they'd gone out and laughed at themselves. Damn it, he wasted so much time thinking about love, gay love at that! In the car they made up stories about themselves. He a famous fashion designer. Maggie a poet. They would live in Scotland and made up the story just as they wanted it. So much unlike life.

Valentine's Day at Voltaire. Malcolm, the pushy waiter, leaned in and kissed Emil on the lips. Just a peck. Then walked away. Then Malcolm gestured for Emil to meet him in the bathroom. Emil was ready for whatever foolish thing Malcolm would do. "You're nervous, aren't you?" Malcolm asked with a sly smile on his face. 'No!' Emil lied. Malcolm took Emil's face into his hands and kissed him. Black. The thought excited Emil. They walked out. Malcolm laughed and invited Emil out dancing, but Emil refused.

He took a hit off of a bong with some little freshman. They'd talked about sharing and loving. It had been groovy. But the night was still a bore. Johnnie's struggle at a conversation about music and capitalism had totally lost him. But he'd nodded politely then gotten up to eat a little something. It was a rather wasted day.

Maggie's been feeling like she doesn't exist. Every time Santi walks past her without saying hello she is tempted to pull out a mirror to make sure she's still there. We, of course, went to Voltaire and Maggie talked about wanting to be a teacher. She sounded emotionally confused and said she was having a hard time with being overweight.

I saw Santi's reflection in the glass doors and smiled inside. He whispered my name. We went into his room and he closed the door and hugged me. He told me about his weekend. It had been a bad one. He sounded frustrated. The person he's met and hit it off with is HIV-positive. Santi wants to call it off. I was supportive. I told him I'd been to a gay bar in the suburbs. He asked, "Hunters?" Apparently he'd been there and suggested we go together once the school year is out. I believe that we can be good friends once I graduate. He thinks I'm lucky to be coming out so young. I think I am, too. He picked his crotch. I thought this was cute and liked that he could be comfortable with me.

In Ms. Murray's class Jon asked if Desiree and I are going out. I said, 'No, Jon. We just fuck each other for fun.' He turned to Ms. Murray who'd obviously heard our exchange. "Ms. Murray, did you hear that?" And of course she said no.

Aidan Quinn walked into Voltaire today. Maggie almost lost it. Kelly who didn't know who he was went up to him and got his autograph. He was really cool about it.