March 1991

There's so much I want. Just when I think I'm grateful and happy my want list grows.

Headaches. I take a shot of tequila.

Dad became a citizen today. Mr. American himself. To me it doesn't mean anything.

Kelly and I were bored with school so we decided to cut and go to The Art Institute. We laughed at all the funny paintings of creepy little baby Jesus. We knew the consequences and accept them. Two weeks of detention.

I'm thinking of taking Malcolm to prom. Desiree dares me. Kelly thinks it would be cool. I'd have to be drunk, though. Stoned, or something.

This is how innocence is lost, when you say to yourself, Fuck them, fuck this, fuck that, fuck it all! I went over to Tracy's. It had been a while. Her cousin Loretta was there. She's very beautiful and very twenty! We took Keiser for a walk and got beer. Loretta told us about a hot seventeen-year-old she's seeing. I was jealous. We drank. We got drunk. I told Tracy I wanted Loretta. Was it my ego? Or just sexual craving, lust, thirst, need, want. Tracy said that Loretta had whispered to her that she found me attractive. When we were alone we kissed. Then she was on top of me, her bra off. She led my hand. It felt good to have my finger in her. I enjoyed it. She wanted to give me a blowjob but I asked her not to. I'm shy about my body. The whole thing was confusing. I liked it, and I didn't. I held her until she fell asleep.

I was writing in my diary when suddenly dad yelled from the kitchen, "Emeel, use condoms when you have sex. O.k.?" I was embarrassed, yet glad that he cared enough to say that.

I got a check from mom for two hundred dollars to buy a typewriter. I called and thanked her.

I've been practicing reading Farsi again, and Assyrian.

Melisa and I went to see her doctor because she's been bleeding from down there. On her diagnosis he wrote "obesity" to be funny. Melisa was pissed. The real reason for the bleeding was too much sex! That has got to be the funniest. Then we went to house-sit for a yuppie couple Melisa works for once in a while. We smoked pot. We smoked a lot. We ate. Oh, we ate a lot. Then we sat on the living room floor with the lights off and Melisa rubbed my back. She told me of her new plans to drop out of college and pursue a license in massage therapy. She wants to be free. Personally, I think she's throwing her life away, but I won't be the one to tell her that. I hope it all works out for her. She pointed out my Chakras and pushed my energy up through my body up to my head. I was breathing hard and felt like my head would burst open. I thought my soul would come out of me. I was about to cry when she stopped.

I told Maggie about last night and she didn't believe me. I hate it when she's like that. "Well, I think it's rude that you ate all their food!" What a jealous fucking bitch!

Desiree and Chris picked me up at eight and we went to Chris' apartment in a high-rise on Sheridan. The dinner was great. We had shrimp and wine. The conversation was even better. We all had such a great, warm feeling. Just the three of us. Then we were off to Hunters. Chris bought the drinks. I offered her money but she would not take it. She has a big heart and I love every mile of it! My man was there- so hot. Desiree and I were really drunk. Had a wonderful time.

Spent most of the day sleeping. Dad did the laundry and complained. I yelled, screamed, and cried, then slept some more.

Desiree and I went to Reza's. There we both enjoyed the food and had a wonderful conversation about being gay, love, our dreams, and school. She talked more about her relationship with Chris. Their difficulties and her wish to love Chris, but not being able to. I like Desiree very much. She laughs at the funny things I say and she listens. Came home and wanted to talk to dad about our fight yesterday but he had started drinking too soon. Fuck!

It's amazing how great weather can make you feel, so wonderful. Desiree and I had our windows down and were breathing life in. We went to the lake to watch hot people. We were laughing at ourselves because we looked so obvious on that bench. God, help this friendship. We really need each other. She read the story I've been writing on my new typewriter. We laughed at this, too. It was good and it was bad. There were so many cute guys out. Desiree would tell me if someone checked me out. Walking back to my car she told me again how much she wanted to fall in love with Chris. She's got quite a problem there. We discussed how impossible it is for us to meet anyone being in high school. We laughed about how stupid we sound when we tell people we are seniors in high school.

Melisa came over and we talked about everything, what we expect of ourselves in the future. Then she read my latest poems and we almost cried. She said I should try and get them published. We were really inspired. I had so much homework but we smoked pot instead and laughed. It's scary how drugs free you of all responsibility for a little while.

Desiree and I walked down Broadway. No, we didn't meet anyone. Sometimes I'm not really sure if I want the hassle of a relationship…

I went to Desiree's and we… well, we each did a half a hit of acid. I've always been curious. We walked for hours around the city. We laughed a lot. I didn't hallucinate, but I was just happy. We sat and watched the people go by in Lincoln Park. Today was the settlement of our relationship. I hope I haven't fallen in love with acid. When we sobered up I drove home, changed, and picked up Desiree again and we went to Hunters. We got lost in a rainstorm, but found our way finally. We drank a six-pack in the parking lot and got drunk quickly because we hadn't eaten anything. Hunters was dead but we danced nonstop. I talked to a bartender about Anne Rice's "Vampire Chronicles". Got home at five in the morning and when I took off my shoes and socks I discovered that my toes were bleeding from all the walking.

Went to Melisa's and smoked pot. God, I'm so disappointed in myself. That's all I've been doing lately. Get your act together, Emil!

Desiree and I went to Unabridged Books and I bought "Coming Out To Parents". I'm stressed out with all this homo shit!

Santi gave me a piece of candy on the stairs. Coming out to parents is a big decision. There's so much to think about. Reading the book about coming out has opened my eyes that maybe my father will not be as understanding as I thought he would be. But we did have a talk tonight. After we ate dinner dad lit a cigarette and I asked him for one. We smoked and talked. Anyway, I told him that I love him, I told him that mom and him sucked through the divorce, I told him that I will work hard to reach my goals, I told him that I'm gay. Just kidding, I didn't. I don't think it's the right time.

Sherry, an old flame of Desiree was in town, so we went out to some suburb to see her. She's in trouble in Kentucky because she's got a drug and alcohol problem. Sherry was sweet and we hit it off instantly. I told her to get help immediately and she said she really wanted to. Sherry said to Desiree, "He's cute, where did you find him?" We laughed. She and Desiree couldn't keep their hands off each other. The people in Mac Donald's stared at us, but hey… Their goodbye was sad. Sherry had to leave the next morning for Kentucky. I prayed for her.

We called relatives in Iran tonight because it's Easter.

Dad drank a lot tonight but I didn't mind it because it was done socially. High school has been my only life for so long and it's about to end in two months. I can feel the grief inside me. I need patience, God. I'm stronger than ever but I'm still scared. Help me, God. Be in my life. Please let me know that it's o.k. to be the way I am in your eyes. I didn't choose this. Love me.