September 1989

I had a huge fight with Bell. He's so selfish. I hate him! I threw things and cried. Lisa was there to witness this. I'm fucked up. I should have killed myself. Things aren't getting better. Not at all.

Lisa and I went to the Assyrian convention downtown. It was better than I expected. I'm not really into Assyrians, but it was cool. We were all drunk. Even Bell, who doesn't normally drink. Lisa and I hugged and said how much we love each other. Maybe I had too much to drink but I had fun. I saw my aunt Jackie and grandmother but we are not speaking.

I went to Greg's barbeque. It was o.k. I'm glad Lisa and Thomas were there. The three of us hung out. I used to think Thomas was gay but then he and Lisa started dating. I think he's bi or something. Lisa says he loves me, but maybe he wants me. If you ask me I would do stuff with him even though it would hurt Lisa. I'm sorry, but I'm a slut. Maybe not a slut, but I just need somebody- bad enough to hurt a friend. I've been obsessed with going back to California for a visit, but dad can't afford the plane ticket. I feel bad for him. I think the right thing to do is to wait. I don't know. Maybe I'll work at Dominick's until I make a couple of hundred dollars. And if I like it I'll just stay and work all year and buy clothes. I need clothes.

I didn't go to school today. I cried myself to sleep last night. Dad came home early and found me. He wasn't mad.

Prediction: I have a feeling it's going to be a long and boring day at school. I was right. School was boring and hot and sticky. I hated it. I saw Thomas while walking to school in the morning. He totally waved at me. Then walking back in the afternoon he saw me again, honked, and waved. That was cool. Dad surprised me with a ticket to California in November!!!

School was hell again. I know everyone loves me, but I wonder sometimes. I hope I'll be famous soon. Maybe in the future I'll be reading this as a star and laughing. I haven't been suicidal, lately. Cool.

I went bowling for the very first time.

Thomas hugged me when he came to pick up Lisa after school. It was heaven. He gave me a pair of old cut off shorts.

I've taken the bandages off my wrist. The scar totally shows. Hopefully it will go away. Thomas and Lisa picked me up to hang out with them. Why do they hang out with me so much? Does Thomas like me deep down inside? I've written some lyrics, which Thomas played around with on his guitar tonight. Lisa was acting funny through the whole thing. It's probably my imagination.

Today, while listening to music I broke down and cried. Later, in the kitchen I found myself talking to myself, like two different people in one body. When I went over to Lisa's she knew something was wrong with me but we didn't talk. Instead we got ready for Josh's birthday party where I was sad for the first hour. When Rachel asked me how I was doing I started crying. We went outside and talked. One of Josh's friends, a girl who was drunk and cool, gave me a beer. Before I knew it I was drunk and happy. When I think about it it's kind of strange because I never used to drink, smoke, or have a social life. Then, a bunch of us went outside and got stoned. It was a lot of fun. Back inside Thomas was upset with Lisa and ran outside. I followed. We sat on the front steps and talked. Our first one-on-one talk, ever. Too bad I was fucked up. I did my best, though. He told me some strange stuff. I'm not sure if he was drunk, or what. I wanted him so badly… the way he looked at me. But I don't think it would work.

While cleaning and listening to music I had another attack. After crying and hitting myself I called Lisa and she calmed me down. Later, Lisa, Thomas, Melisa, and I went to a cemetery in Evanston and drank beer. Thomas helped me climb over the wall. He pushed me up, his hands on my ass. It was wonderful. We walked around a little, got scared, and decided to leave. I didn't talk much. I hope you don't think I've always been like this. It's only been this bad the last few months. I'm trying hard to hold on but I'm giving up again. Thoughts go through my head and I talk to myself. I'm waiting for someone. I thought Marcelo was it, but I was very wrong.

School was hell, of course. I'm not just being a stupid teenager, it really was! Today in history Ms. Eichler said she was a witch and I believed her. She's cool. I like her. Rachel called and I met her at Heartland Café. We totally talked about my sexuality, depression, and about some happy things, too. Right now I wish I were more… the kind to use big words for the right mood- like a writer. I hope I'll be happy forever…

Lisa told me today that she's still attracted to Gabe, but she loves Thomas. Nicole came over and we made out. I sucked her tits and she gave me hickies. I must hide them for tomorrow.

Everyone found out about the hickies. It kind of felt good. I could finally prove to them that I am a "man".

Maggie's been jealous of me hanging out with others. She went off on me and hit me. I hate her.

Lisa, Thomas, and I went to see "Sex, Lies, and Videotape". I know Thomas wants me, I know he loves me. In the theater he asked if he could sit in the middle so he could talk to me. The vibes are strong but hopefully they're not wrong. After the movie he asked me for a cigarette. I handed him the pack and he took one. When I asked for one he personally put it in my mouth. He always laughs when I say something funny. When they dropped me off he touched my knee. He always does. I don't mind it at all. He told me I should come over when he moves into his new apartment. "We'll rent movies," he said. Well, I'm ready to fall asleep. I hope I can take it day by day, and not drown myself in thoughts. In case I forgot to mention, dad cancelled my therapy sessions. I'll get professional help some other time.

I'm sad about school. I don't even know how I'm doing. Lisa and I were walking when I told her I like Thomas. She was laughing. I'm glad she didn't get serious about it.

Lunch was depressing. While Maggie and I talked John was saying rude stuff about me. He called out, "Bisexual fag who lives on Damen and Devon!" Do you know what it's like not being able to trust anyone? No one noticed, but I did. Maggie told me not to worry about it. I was about ready to just leave, take off. But I didn't.

I went to a bar with my older cousins. We drank and smoked and talked.

Today I wondered what I will look like when I'm in my thirties. Will I marry and have kids?