January 1993

Dad came into my room. "Are you sleeping?" 'No, I'm reading.' "Give me a kiss." I got up and walked right past him. 'No, thank you.'

Tom thinks that I have too much talent to waste on a farm.

I'm unhappy that my father is an alcoholic and hope I'm not merely escaping by going to Tennessee. Life is so unpredictable. I may not be an A-student in college but I can still be a man who is happy and fulfilled, can't I? There's still emptiness in me. Tonight I told dad about my plans, but felt a sense of shame around my decision. His wife, Lena, is back in Iran. She'll be coming at a later date. I feel like calling her and saying, 'Do you know that the man you've married drinks?'

Sometimes I feel so much it tears me up inside. What am I supposed to do with it all?

Dad came into my room in the morning. I was reading. "Do you want eggs?" 'No.' Then I heard the back door slam.

I've made friends with God again. That something strong there above my bed listening.

Dad and I bonded. I asked for his support around my move to Tennessee. He responded.

I feel loved. Mad almost!

Audrey Hepburn died.

I'm here. Every minute. Every moment. Forth, up, into life.