August 1993

Do you know what I find romantic? It's morning and I'm drinking vodka, listening to music, creating life as I want it to be. Having emotions. Beautiful emotions. I am drunk!!!

August 12th. My twentieth birthday! Dad's drunk. Mom hasn't called. I want to be alone somewhere. I've decided that people are no good. I've learned not to give a shit. Took an HIV test. Frightened. Shocked that I have to take such tests in the first place. Slept with Brandon's uncle, Terry. I went to the Halsted Street Fair with Terry. I thought of the night of Brandon's graduation party two years ago when Terry and I had stood against the wall and talked. What a big crush I'd had on him! At the fair we met Terry's friends, other painters and artists. We drank beer and talked, laughed. We ended up back at his place and I spent the night. It was fun and comfortable. Brandon thinks it's hilarious that I slept with Terry.

I'm ready to explode from these fantasies, talent, and creativity. There's so much to tell. Tomorrow. I promise. Tomorrow.

Took dad and Bell to lunch at Reza's but it wasn't as I had imagined it. We had nothing to talk about. Dad's wife, Lena was denied a visa to come to the States. Gives me another three weeks to try and imagine a woman I don't know living here with us at the apartment. We saw a bum on Michigan Avenue jerking off. I guess if you live on the street you come on the street. The farm is in me.

It's wonderful being alive, isn't it? So, where to now? What next? Marcelo and I went to a dark place where men whisper, stare, reach through glory holes. How odd these places. The men. The hunt. And me? I'm young and horny. The black man. Smooth. Uncut.

Tomorrow I get my HIV test results. What is God's plan? Went out with Mark and Brian whom I met on the farm. Got too drunk. We went to Big Chick's. I'd never been there before. Excited from the moment the back gate opened, so many boys, laughter, flirtation.

I got my results, and although they are negative I feel I can't be happy. How can I celebrate when AIDS exists in our lives?