April 1990

Forty days after someone's death Assyrians gather for a memorial. Anjels' memorial was held today at my maternal grandmother's house. I rang the doorbell and walked up the stairs nervously. I have been estranged from mom's family for three years. My grandmother, whom we've always called Mom-Suzie, greeted me at the door wearing black. She kissed me. I kissed her back. I placed my jacket in the bedroom and heard my grandmother tell the others she's always loved me. There were a lot of grown up Assyrians there. Everyone was quiet. I was so nervous I was shaking. People asked me questions, told me how small I used to be. My aunt Jackie arrived. She hugged me and was beautiful. The whole time I was there the two of us helped people with their coats, had tea, and talked. She is so cool, I love her. She said that they're planning on moving out to the Bay Area. This made me sad. I guess it's time to forgive and forget, although I feel I'm too young for these pressures.

I'm only sixteen and I am drained, nothing left to keep me going. I've decided that I want to try again and succeed this time. I can't blame anyone else. Sometimes I want to change things, be strong. Everything is hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

I have to admit that it's a bad habit of mine to think about suicide every time things go wrong, that that's the only way out for me. The pen is so heavy in the morning. Maggie and I are the only ones who respond to Ms. Kelenhopher's questions in English.

Jackie told me that in her last days Anjel would mutter, "When will they come to get me? When will they take me home?" Everyone thought she was hallucinating. She would stare up at the ceiling as if she saw something there.

I'm not going to kill myself. I always thought of myself as someone who brought love and happiness to people, but I'm not sure anymore. It's time to get up, stand, love, and learn. I'll just do my best. I will be the one who helps others. I'll take the good and the bad that they give to me, with no more thoughts of suicide! Dad tried to bait me into a fight today but I didn't say anything about his drinking…

I'm trying harder in school and doing better.

Some chick at school asked if I were a… because she's heard rumors.

Our apartment was robbed. All my CDs are gone.

When Jackie saw me smoking she said, "You just went from a hundred to a twenty-five!" What is she grading me? I said, 'I'm not living to please others.' Mom said, "You shouldn't have left when your father and I divorced." I said, 'I wanted to.'

Mom doesn't want a baby. Beluse does. If she has one I told her I would never speak to her again!

We went to an Arab restaurant where they played cool music. There was a belly dancer. I don't know why but I felt really sad for her. She looked so young.

Dare to live!

Last night I talked to dad about his drinking. I hope I got through to him. I used such strong words like Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not sure if I'll ever get through. I'll hold his drinking against him until the day one of us dies. Problems to solve. Places to visit. People to love and fight.

Whenever Assyrians get together they end up talking about the old country and marriage. I found out that an old friend of the family died in Iran. He was always drunk.

Why do I think the bad stuff is reality?