June 1996

My nipples ache even today as I vacillate between the sensibilities of a prude and the recklessness of a slut. Maybe I'd be better off with a sexless life, independent, and without risk. This is clearly about me and my phobia, not Cliff.

Fixed myself a vodka-tonic and walked to the mall. There I got beer in to-go cups and shopped. Got my mind completely off useless circle thinking. And today I think of that afternoon with Cliff and am certain that I'm not made for frivolous rolling about. I will keep my desires to myself. And if I never hear from Cliff- which is by now routine- I will not be hurt.

Reading "The Waves" by Virginia Woolf. Beautiful.

Robert has gotten a job at Yosemite National Park. A bunch of us went to visit him. We did some blow and hiked to a distant waterfall that misted our path and drenched us. Once we arrived at the top we dried in the sun. The rivers were torrential and we were humbled by the force of the water. The trees made us feel mortal. It was breathtaking. I am exhausted. Yes, I'm riding the mood-swing! Frankly, I don't think I will make it much longer in this life.

This boy is banned from mirth.
It's been a crazy week for Cliff and me. We've called each other but are too busy to get together. I make no excuses. He asks for no explanations.
When I told mom that Brandon is coming for a visit she said bitterly, "I don't know what your relationship is to him."
'He's straight, mom, and has a girlfriend,' I assured her.
"Then why is he coming to see you?" she asked suspiciously.
I was dumbfounded, 'Because he's my friend!'
We had our catfight this afternoon. She makes me crazy.
Desperation inspires rash ideas. I want to board a train and leave this place that taunts me with a lack of acceptance. Go. Do.
What I visualize transpires sooner or later.

Loneliness distracts me. Boredom traps me.
Mom's in Marin helping Mom-Suzie with the business since she has had liposuction on her upper arms. I'm so proud of my grandmother. She's always struggled with her weight and when I was a small child I would place my head on her arms and sigh in Assyrian, 'They are like pillows.' She's proving to be more ahead of her time than I had ever anticipated.
Brandon's visit was perfect. We did Monterey, Sonora, Yosemite, and San Francisco. Being with Brandon was full of personal revelations. I realize that I've grown and become my own person, which made for small harmless spats. Mom and Brandon got along famously. She fell in love with him and was charming. In fact, a whole new personality burgeoned before me, which was delightful. She was uninhibited and rare. Seeing this side of mom, witty and warm, made me long for a better relationship with her. I even wished that Iran had not changed so drastically. Perhaps our lives would have been in some ways happier, better there. I don't know. I'll never know.
Lena says dad's been sober now for twenty-five days. He even gave up cigarettes. I hope his sobriety lasts. You don't know what a load that is off my back. It's such an example to me.

Called Gary, the bartender I know from The Brave Bull. It was a nice talk. But I already know where this'll go. I'm waiting to be surprised, though.
It's almost a year that I've been here.