July 1994

Marcelo and I saw a very funny play in which all the cast members get completely naked. I love being gay. Not just because of the nudity and the beautiful men, but the camp and humor, the sensual freedom. Lena's been at the mall all day and has returned with clothes for dad. He's being a bore and throwing a fit for having to try them on. I'm witnessing the decline of a man, my aging, alcoholic father. And this is when my masculine unemotional side should play a role. In self-defense.

Sunday, returning from the 4th of July celebrations downtown, I stood on a seat on a train full of people, swung from a bar, and sang "Like A Virgin". Tracy isn't speaking to me, she was so humiliated. After the song I came out and made a little speech about gay liberation. I suppose I need to drink less, and control myself more. Three years after coming out to the people I know I am just beginning to feel the indignation, and wanting equality.

Life's secrets are only revealed during difficult times.

Books rather than booze.

Hand yourself over to life, Emil. Otherwise, you're powerless.

Lena tells me that dad fell in the kitchen today and hurt himself. She was in tears as she spoke. She said that she feels so sorry for him, that her heart breaks for him. I shrugged, completely torn and at once unfeeling. She also said that when he woke up from a nap he cried to her like a baby, saying, "You can't imagine the suffering I endure." 'An alcoholic will say anything to continue to drink,' I found myself saying to Lena. 'Who in this world doesn't have it bad? He has to stop.' I asked her why she married him when she hadn't even seen him in so many years? She now shrugged and said that others in the community talked her into it. I hugged her and we sighed in that small ground-level little room where relationships flourish and break.

Dad stayed home. I could smell the cool strong odor of the muscle cream as I handed him money for the bills. He must've hurt himself pretty bad falling yesterday. Reading John Irving's "Hotel New Hampshire". I've already laughed and cried reading the first chapter.

I fuck up. I fuck up again. And I learn and grow. I dream. I wish. I visualize. I act. Rule #1. Never doubt yourself.

Joanna and Adrienne, two beautiful young designers at work, went to school with Philip whom I met at Sidetrack, and say he's a doll. So I called him and we went on a date. Every time I said something that wasn't quite me I laughed and shrugged inside. Philip is… very much not me. He's short and ugly. However, he's sweet. And we did the dirty. I'm still baffled by it. Why did I? It was good and we were safe, but why have sex with someone you're not attracted to? I suppose it is because I am twenty and eternally horny. We discussed it beforehand. No bullshit, no games. What the hell am I up to? I wonder.

Reading keeps me safe for now.