April 1995

Boredom sometimes feels like sorrow. There is friction between Brandon and me. But what does one say to a rock? I think of love. I think of another time, another place… away from the present.

Was tempted to call him but I need that break I've been talking so much about. Desperately! Will I be able to stay away tomorrow? Dad's pain is still mine. How distant I am from California, from here. Will there be love for me? A new lifestyle is coming. I feel it.

A part of me is going through Brandon-withdrawal, though I hate to admit it. One night we found ourselves still having beers at daybreak. Brandon pushed me onto his bed. We were wasted. I even hate admitting this. We wrestled. Touching. I rubbed his hair. He chuckled. We fell asleep.

Forget your wine-feelings regarding anyone and Brandon.

Need to grow up. Rise above. Learn. Can't even get into details I'm so ashamed.